Bed Time, my favorite time of day

I have cleaned the house for the third time today. It’s kind of like shoveling the walk when it’s still snowing outside. It seems pointless, but if you don’t dive in it will just keep piling up until you can't walk through it anymore.

Some days I am filled up with the simple joys of playing with my children, teaching them how to water the garden without flooding all of the plants, or hearing them squeal with delight as I push them on the swings. On those days I feel blessed to be in this place, and to be who I am with these marvelous kids.

And then there are other days…like today. Where I am weary of picking up the same toys over and over; and of hearing cartoon voices until they echo in my head long after the television has been turned off. There are days when I feel like I have been reduced to little more than a maid and a chef on call to a bunch of ungrateful little people who think that the entire purpose for my existence is to serve them. The sad part is, it’s true. Worse still is the knowledge that I have chosen this and that it is not about to change.

Oh I could dwell on that negative side of motherhood if I wanted to be a miserable wretch, but that won’t help anyone least of all me. So I take a deep breath, find some way to spoil myself…perhaps a hot fudge sundae or a candle lit bath… and vow to have a better attitude tomorrow morning.

The kids are in bed and have finished making excuses to come down just one last time, and for the first time all day I take a deep breath and drink in the silence.

The fantasy of a moonlight walk on the beach in the arms of my adoring husband with a red rose in one hand and a margarita in the other are but a few blissful moments of sleep away.

MMMMMMMM SLEEP………

Life Evolves.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much life changes. With each passing day, week, year, we are moving toward something even if we are completely unaware of it.

How is it that you can wake up one day and find that your life as you once knew it is completely unrecognizable? For better or worse, that is life…ever changing. Things happen so slowly, creeping towards transformation. Whether the decisions we make are conscious, or whether we are just going through the motions, we are shaping our futures with each passing moment.

Do we have a choice in the matter? Is it all pre-ordained? Are we programmed by genetics and upbringing to make specific choices? Or can we rise above it and choose the outcome of our lives. Many have professed as much. The ranting of some cult like self made people would have you believe that all you have to do is believe. Do you “believe”? And if you do and then you fail what happens? Have you invested so much that you can’t just pick up and move on? To brush off the stains of one failed mission and say…well, that didn’t work, perhaps I’ll try someone else’s idea tomorrow.

Or is that the essential problem? Trying someone else’s idea in the first place would seem to go against the idea of finding your unique purpose. A deep truth lies waiting within each one of us to find our authentic self. To find the one thing that is so meaningful to us that it makes the sun shine brighter, the air smell sweeter, and the victory of simply waking up in the morning that much better an accomplishment.

How can someone truly find their bliss? I catch glimpses of it now and then but then a bad day or too many busy distractions snatch it away. It’s like hitting the reset button and climbing the mountain all over again. I get so tired.

What is it that I expected of my life? Did I even think about it? I remember when I was a kid I was convinced I would be a rock star, a doctor, a lawyer. But none of them was really a goal, just a fantasy. They never even graduated to the level of dream in my book. It was all about the money, which makes sense because my family was poor and money was seen as the solution to all problems back then.

And then I grew up. I lived in the real world, supported myself and while I still believe that loads of money certainly can bring many comforts and luxuries in life, the sweetest things truly didn’t cost a penny. Idealism took the place of greed and love became my singular focus. I had convinced myself that once I had that, the rest would be easy…once again, only a partial truth. Love is great, but the amount of work involved in keeping it stable content is rarely talked about. Love can find you unsuspecting, but you have to fight like hell to keep it and still keep your own self intact. It can be so all encompassing that you forget about silly things like who you are and what makes YOU happy. It is easy to get lost in the sea of compromise to fit in and blend with your mate and a new family. No one ever says…be selfish sometimes…it’s important.

I got married and my dreams were transformed from delusions of grandeur, to visions of raising a family in a beautiful place, mixed with a longing for a simpler time of life when a mother could raise her own children and take care of the house and not have to worry about the financial aspects of making ends meet.

For five years I dreamed of moving to this amazing place. It was a driving force in my life. We would vacation there. We would point out the spot where we would build our house and our hearts would soar with the possibilities of a new adventure. Now we are living here, the dream that I held dear for so long and I find my life still wanting. It was not easy. It involved moving across the country twice in nine years starting over from nothing each time and rebuilding our lives but we have managed to create a measure of comfort and luxury in spite of all the challenges we have faced. It is a testament to my stubbornness and my husbands strong work ethic.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just make the best of every situation and be happy? This is what I wanted….isn’t it?

 I don’t think I am the kind of person who needs drama. I enjoy the slower pace of life, I do love many things about this place and my life but I find myself longing for how things were before.

Before what, you ask? Before I had children. My life was so different. I was 24 years old when I had my first child but in reality my grown up life was just beginning. I had found the man of my dreams but I still didn’t really know who I was or what would make me happy. I followed a vision of the future that I had and worked hard to achieve the happiness that I felt in that dream. I knew it was real, I knew my life would be perfect at some point in time. And I worked towards that. I don’t think I made any conscious choices that would put me there. In fact some of my choices would have seemed to take me further away from those goals, but yet here I am. Right in the middle of the life that I KNEW I wanted, before I really knew WHO I WAS.

I feel a little stuck sometimes. This is what I chose, there is no doubt. I would obsess about it, dream about it, say it out loud as well as in my head that this is where I was headed. And it did come to be….like the followers of “the secret” it truly did come about almost magically. It was thought driven. But therein lay the catch.

This is so powerful….you need to make sure you really KNOW what you want. That you really THINK it through. Of course if we have the power to create our own futures even at a sub-conscious level then we will have the power to change it later as life evolves and we grow into different people. Sure. But we must consider the impact on the lives of those people who count on us for their very survival…our children.

I have to consider them so intently. They ARE the world to me. None of it means anything if they are not safe, healthy, happy and complete.

Perhaps my ramblings are the same as any stay at home mother who has given up so much to create a “perfect life” for her children if there is such a thing.

Life does evolve as I said. Every seemingly meaningless day of the same old routine does put you one day closer to the life you will have a year from now. Will you gain weight, lose weight, have a child, have a life changing car accident, or cause one? Will you start your own business or decide to work for someone else? Will you move to another state to follow your dreams? And if so, will you find what you were looking for there? So many things can change with a single decision in a single moment of any ordinary day.

What will your important choice be today?

Where will your life take you tomorrow?